R5-So colorful, we fill the box

It is official. We are the Raven 5 Creepers. This has been confirmed by our sponsor. It began when we noticed that the most oft uttered phrase within our team was "you are such a creeper!" and escalated when our sponsor (who is fairly eccentric himself) actually commented on our collective creepiness. There are few boundaries that we have yet to have violated with not even the shower remaining sacred. For example last week I was asked to stand in the boys' bathroom to chat with Rob while he showered. Yesterday all the girls packed into the communal shower room so that Rob was trapped behind his curtain until we all left. We offered to bring him his towel but he said he preferred to walk around naked and would wait for us to leave so that he could still enjoy his moment.

Alright I have so many random updates so this is going to jump around:
-We are doing trail maintenance work this week in W. Virginia which is mostly raking and lopping and moving logs. To get to work we have a 30-45 minute commute. And by commute I mean hike. I have to hike uphill to get to work and the hike gets longer everyday as we move along and clear the trail. FML. This wouldn't be so bad except I am the largest, slowest member of the team and they have a "Leave no member behind!" policy so they all have to stop every 200 ft to wait for me. ack. Also, for those that don't know, I lack grace in every aspect of life and fell really hard on my knee almost two weeks ago and messed it up so I'm also hiking with a bum knee, which is what everyone else kindly blames for my tortoise pace. I am not quite so delusional.
-While we're on the subject of graceful, this weekend I split my thumb open while cutting frozen meat for the fire. To add to this carelessness on my part, we also neglected to bring the first aid kit camping with us in the middle of the property this weekend so Josh had to run back the 20 minute hike to the lodge to get a medical bag all the while I'm bleeding profusely all over the picnic table. It's a pretty nasty cut but the skin flap is still there so it's slowly knitting back together...but it lined up wrong so it looks kinda weird with gaps on one side and overlap on the other.
-I have now peed in the woods!! This is actually related to our work site because of the 45 minute hike the only place to go is to step off the trail and drop trou. Kendra has extensive experience with this and taught both myself and EJ the proper technique. I understood and stepped away to do my thing, but EJ needed a live demonstration. As I stood on the trail to be the look out, EJ and Kendra squatted next to each other. Kendra clearly articulated the need to HOLD ON to a tree but EJ leaned a little too far back and sat directly in her puddle. I don't know what more to say about that except I probably scared the two members 100 yds ahead of us on the trail with my resonating laughter. EJ just pulled her pants up and continued working, what a trooper.
-Of all people, I was chosen for the first random drug test of the year. (What a waste, right?) Only 6 people are chosen out of 210 and all of us were from the Raven unit (there are 3 units). Also since they're confidential we're supposed to go alone, but they cheated and had me riding with one other person. And if you like improbability statistics here's the set-up: of all the 22 year old females that get pulmonary embolisms from birth control in America (not very many...) there are 2 that are in AmeriCorps, on the Perry Point Campus (240 people), on the Raven Unit (70 people), chosen for the random drug screening (6 people), and riding in the same van to get to the drug test (2 people). Please, tell me, what are the odds?


I look like I know what I'm doing, right?

Team Charter: No extensive fart conversations.

Before we deploy on our first Spike (spike=projects where we live off campus) our team developed a Team Charter in which we outlined rules by which we must all abide. Sadly, we were forced to put into words several standards that are usually naturally expected and unspoken. One of course being the aforementioned ban on fart conversations. Our motto is claim it, excuse it, move the fuck on. This was an issue for some of my team members on mini-spike.

---Informational Side-bar~Mini-Spike was 3 days of manual labor in the Delaware State Parks raking leaves at a zoo, moving branches in a park, and painting a nature center.---

On a gas-free note, we've officially been inducted into Class XVI here at Perry Point and have completed training. I think I need to mention that the speakers for this event with 240 people were more impressive than the speakers from my graduation from St. Kate's. Sorry to everyone that sat through that last May...
So now that we are all Corps Members we were all set to leave. The van was packed, the perishables eaten and the team assembled to head out to West Virginia, the site of our first project. Take a journey with me--we're playing the alphabet game, I'm kicking ass as usual, and the team phone rings. "Hi! ... Yeah, we're on our way, what do you need? ...what? Flooded? ... We're halfway there. ... On the highway. ... Turn around? Are you sure? ... Right, maybe you should talk to our team leader" The ending to that story is that we are back at the dorms which, I must admit, are a lot creepier when they're empty and it's dark and raining. The fact that it used to be a VA nursing home has all of a sudden become a lot more apparent. We may be able to leave tomorrow if they get the entrance to our housing in W.V. cleared sometime soon... The consolation to this is that the people that are at the park we're going to are trapped inside. So I'm having a little schadenfreude moment with that knowledge. We did get to listen to the mix I made for the van and most of my selections were met with approval though it may have been a little heavy on the pop-punk genre. Also, the choice of Date Rape awarded me one kudos and more than a few questioning glares. Read the lyrics, it has a good moral, I promise.

Lyn, I don't need your judgments. And just for you *Disclaimer-inappropriate material following, Mom, you will be uncomfortable.* Penis=Ham&cheese sandwich, You're welcome, Excalibur, Meat&potatoes, Schlong, Ding-a-ling, Johnson, Willy, Unit, Bizznizz, Tool, Rod, Member, Shaft, Peter, Sausage, One-eyed monster. Vagina-Cooter, Coochie, Box, Pootang, Vadge, Pooter, Snatch, Wet-wet, Twat, and the ever-offensive Cum Dumpster. Thank you Healthy Sexuality.

Eye contact is no guarantee.

I haven't posted for a bit but I don't have time to write more right now. P.S. I'm leaving for West Virginia on Saturday!! Spike number 1 then commences.
3/01/10
Once again, the lessons we learn in specific trainings tend to apply to life in general. In this case van driver training has taught us that eye contact is no guarantee that other drivers and pedestrians actually see you and your BF van. (For those of you not up with the lingo BF is old people speak for big fuckin’). This truth seems to especially relevant during those late night extra-curriculars that those of us over 21 partake in on the weekends. Eye contact is no guarantee. We went over this concept extensively in a lovely seminar called Healthy Sexuality…
As I am attempting to make this suitable for all audiences I will say nothing more about this lecture than that my knowledge of slang terms for the human reproductive anatomy has been augmented considerably.
3/5/10
Alright, so the team leader (TL) once again tops this week’s quotes with “No, I DO the love thing” but is even better when placed in context. The setting was what I like to call “awkward teammate question time” but was officially called the Gatorade Hot Seat. We all had a Gatorade and had to answer questions for as long as it took to drink it which led to one vomiter and 7 bathroom breaks. In many cases the questions that were asked were more revealing than the answers from the hot seat. For instance, a disproportionate number of questions had to do with bodily functions and dating histories, two seemingly incongruent topics, one right after another.

This being said, I love my team. Another glimpse of why: After an invigorating PT session at the YMCA (bench press max 105lbs, booya!) 4 of our members helped a Y employee chase a client’s dog into the woods. And just to prove how hardcore we are one chased it through thorny brambles and came back with scratches and dry blood all up and down her legs while another returned frozen and wet because she jumped into a stream to catch it. Unfortunately their heroic attempts were a massive failure, but I am hella proud of this motley crew for jumping out of the Ameri-van to assist before the TL could even finish asking anyone if they could help this woman.

3/9/10
My team keeps asking if they’re in my blog so I suppose I should introduce them by using the words we chose for them during a team builder related to their initials.
Josh Kerber (TL) Jolly Jogger, Kindhearted.
Kendra Chamberlain- Kind & Caring!
Kate Myler- Kind, Mercury (Apparently this was because she’s a Biology major)
Mary Del Savio- Master Deforester & Sawyer (to be. She’s a firefighter)
Michelle Giglio-Miniature, I don’t remember what her G word was.
EJ-ack! I’ll just make one up now, she is justifiably energetic.
Brandon Clark-Balky, and some random word from the thesaurus.
Kenny Morales-Manly, and some k-word
Rob Echerd-Really Eccentric!
Cory Payne-Crazy Party animal
Oh and mine was Honest & Jolly. :D and Just a bit forgetful, I might add.
So now that you are intimately acquainted with my team I shall refer to them casually by name from here on out.

"Once they are unconscious, they have given consent"

In case you thought NO means NO, the Red Cross has this alteration--No only means no if they are conscious. Once the person passes out, consent is automatically assumed. Of course this rule is mostly in reference to choking victims who refuse help, but I think it is a lesson that can be applied to across the board. So after 7 hours of CPR/First Aid training this is what I shall forever remember- Unconscious=consent. Please, may I help you with your emergency?

So far it seems most of my training has been cause for concern in those who know me well, but beware, the worst is yet to come.
Power tools. Oh yes, I will be allowed near expensive machinery and you'll have to take my word for it that I am indeed competent at this.
Wait, wait, that is not the worst. Here it is, I have been taught the skills to....
Communicate Peacefully.
Instead of analyzing this myself I challenge you all to test your creativity when adding some commentary to that.

I know this is a pretty pathetic excuse for a weekly update but not much goes on during training. I'll do better if you do better at leaving comments. Seriously people.

Addition!!!!
I forgot to add in my team leader section this week. This is what Josh has assigned to us for the weekend:
Read the Cat in the Hat cover to cover. There will be a test Sunday morning at 4:45 AM. Cheers!

Confusing hint leading up to our project reveal or playful jest? Considering his sense of humor, I can't be sure seeing as he also revealed a trick he likes to play on teenagers reluctant to defecate in the woods and wipe with a leaf---Basically I will never drink anything presented as Josh's Breakfast Brew since it will most likely be laced with dishsoap-thereby eliminating the right to choose when and where one would be willing to relieve oneself.

“I’m touching him but he’s not saying anything!!!”-Diversity Training

Sooo my plan to lose weight because I’d have more limited resources for buying food during AmeriCorps has failed miserably. I’m eating better than I have in years (sorry ma…). Apparently a huge number of people my age do, in fact, know how do cook and are only too happy to exchange this service for me cleaning up after. CURSES!! So let’s hope PT will do something to make up for this miscalculation.

Speaking of PT---

Here we have a story involving two of my favorite things: proving my ineptitude during exercise classes and inappropriate laughter. Now, I think I can guess what you are anticipating, but no, I did not fart at any point during the work out. Just so you know.

Continuing on, our PT has everything- stretches, jumping jacks (which we call side straddle hops…???), push-ups, sit-ups, “ameri”-squats, flutter kicks, and for a finale some weird bicycle twist things. It was during this final exercise that I finally broke down. The instructor started counting double time and I had absolutely no hope of keeping up so instead I busted into hysterical laughter because, in my opinion, of the absurdity of the task that had been set us. The team leaders near me were either not paying any attention to my not-so-silent convulsions or inclined to agree with the sentiment that the pace set was too ridiculous to take seriously at 7 am. I’m fairly certain it’s the latter. They seem to have a good sense of humor.

Speaking of Team Leaders---

“I don’t know the politically correct way to say this…but my crotch is a magnet for food.” –Josh, my team leader (Raven 5 ftw!)

Speaking of politically correct---

I promised to inadvertently offend someone, and people, I am true to my word. I was having a conversation with a large group and at one point turned to the person next to me to lament over the fact that it was going to be hard to replace our temporary teams once we got our permanent placements because my current teammates were so open and never insulted by anything I said. I continued that I hated when people were overly sensitive and got offended easily. She gave me a nervous half smile, turned to someone else and hasn’t spoken to me since...

Speaking of people not speaking to me---

LEAVE ME COMMENTS. Ask questions and whatnot. The most oft asked (and frustratingly vague) question I have received is "what have you been doing so far?" So, once more, it is summary time:

-PT has begun *ominous music*

-"Diversity" Training. Please don't ask me to explain this.

-Physicals--creepy male doctor taught me how to do a self breast exam...awkward. In related news I don't have TB, drugs in my system or a baby in my uterus, hoorah!

-I am officially a member of Raven 5 and our van Gimp(y). I named it but it hasn't quite caught on yet, but oh, it will. Trust me. The slider door doesn't open from the outside and there is a pretty intense air of general dilapidation about it.

-I am now a certified Red Cross volunteer! Along with this training came "child-friendly spaces" so I'm trained to set-up and run a child care area in a disaster shelter. muahahahaha

-And then there is free time....which gave birth to the following:

New epic Apples to Apples win. Lucky=Anne Frank "Well I mean, she survived right? She wrote books about it!" Raven kitchen beats all.

Dear Corps Members: Don't look at porn on our computers. Thanks-The Government

Okay, I'm here, so pending a supernatural disaster (natural disasters will never stop me as proved by the superb timing of my arrival in between two of the most hardcore blizzards the east coast has seen recently) I am officially in AmeriCorps NCCC. Oh wait, amend that-pending a pass of the drug and pregnancy tests tomorrow, I'm golden. I anticipate success, as a failure on either front could only result from interference from the aforementioned supernatural forces.

In brief:

I live in an unused wing of the VA hospital. Awesome? yes.

My room is reminiscent of some of the sketchier hostels I've been in.

We've had a day and a half off since Monday due to snow.

My accomplishments so far include: 2 hours of paperwork, 1.5 hours of shoveling half melted snow, 1 hour of Euchre, and more than any of that put together of bullshitting with my temporary team members.

We get our permanent teams next week along with internet in our dorms. Even so, if things keep along at this pace I'll still have nothing to write.

Highlights from future blogs:

Picture of me in our sexy, sexy uniforms.

Blow by blow account of my imminent failures during Physical Training.

Number count of how many pieces out of the two bags of candy I just bought have been eaten. (Prediction: all).

Ways in which I have inadvertently offended the other members.

I leave you quivering in anticipation I'm sure, and to assure you of the future amusements to be had by reading this blog I'll give you this juicy story:

The exciting bunch we are, my roommates and I dropped dead asleep by 9:30 one night only to be shaken roughly awake by the 6th girl screaming BEEYOTCH three times in her sleep. Apparently, as she later calmly explained, she was having a dream about her mother.

Tempting Fate

Alright, so with 4.5 days to go I decided to tempt fate and resuscitate my blog. I had a CT scan today and they haven't called me yet so I'm going to go with no news is good news and begin to believe that this time I'm really going. I'm still not going to pack though! But this is par for the course and not cause for concern.

I had all the best intentions to clean my room and pack my stuff up so that when I need to move my stuff next November it would be a simple process...right. Instead I decided that my mom would have the same taste in decor for her new office as I had for my bedroom. I mean, sure, she may not be as big a fan of my Feckin Irish Whiskey poster as I was, but she's bound to enjoy the life-size Donkey from Shrek I have set up in the corner. He's endearing really. And to distract her from her work she'll be able to peruse all my textbooks that were too old to sell back, not to mention gaze nostalgically upon the devil mask I made in 3rd grade which has always creeped the hell out of her. And in return for my generous offer to leave my possessions exactly where they are for my family to remember me fondly by, I fully expect them to be unceremoniously packed into boxes that will take me years to sort through. (See how I'm getting my family to pack for me? Win!)

In conclusion, though I may not be ready in the technical sense (psh...packing will take half an hour tops) I am about as ready as I always am. I never prepare for anything because I am, above all, lazy. What if I prepare for something that doesn't happen?? What a waste of time. So instead I've developed a laid back system where I have absolutely no expectations and react to things as they come. It reduces stress like you wouldn't believe. It also makes your reactions more honest, which can be rather enlightening, and at times...amusingly inappropriate.

So with that I'll leave you with this:

"Some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity..." -Gilda Radner

Which of course my mother will enjoy hanging up in her office next to Mel Brooks' immortal words- "Tragedy is when I cut my finger, comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die."